dirtygames.ca

A few days after Michael Vick showed everyone that you can pretty much do everything short of actually killing people and still deserve a second chance, a couple of former sports heroes decided to follow his lead.

First, Brett Favre, who never did anything illegal, is apparently ready to join the Minnesota Vikings. While Favre may have not committed any crimes, by the strict policework-based definition of the word, he has certainly used the last two-plus years to give a seminar on How To Destroy A Reputation in 24 months. If you asked Wisconsin residents who they hold in higher regard, the dude who tortured dogs or the dude who quit rather than share his job, then unquit, then signed to a different team, then quit again, then almost unquit, then decided to stay quit, then unquit again to sign with the Vikings (of all teams) … they’d probably lean toward the dude who just strangled and drowned puppies.

Second, Todd Bertuzzi, who very nearly did kill someone, signed with the Red Wings. Again. For a cheap contract because they were one of what was presumably a very, very small number of teams who demonstrated interest. Big Bert was not entirely useless last season, is a big semi-physical presence and can be an effective part of a winning team if he’s healthy. As a Red Wings fan who only wants to see the team succeed, I think this is a pretty good signing.

On a more personal level, however, as someone who wants to root for athletes who respect the metaphorical, way-too-idealized and often juvenile things that sports and the athletes who play them are supposed to represent … I hate all this crap. It’s very discouraging. I am disillusioned, which says a lot for a dude who likes to write about politics…

I don’t really care so much that these douchebags still have jobs. Hell, everyone who isn’t currently incarcerated, incapacitated or Sarah Palin should be allowed to earn a living. What Really Grinds My Gears is that I have to open ESPN or TSN on a sunny August morning and see approximately seven different stories and columns about these jerks.

Mike Vick can throw a ball a long distance and run really fast. Brett Favre can throw some touchdowns and some interceptions and provide some sort of cheesy do-it-for-the-really-old-dude aspect of leadership. Todd Bertuzzi can score and hit and force the other team to wonder if he will assault and batter them should they conduct themselves in a manner he deems unprofessional. They clearly, as athletes, have value. As human beings, however, specifically as human beings who receive reams of press coverage and whose last names adorn the backs of shirts worn by children … they’re dicks.

A little while ago, a bunch of men’s websites organized a No Meagan Fox Day. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if, just for one week, the cabal of sports broadcasters, writers and webmasters did the same with all athletes who have a folder of press clippings thicker than their folder of professional boxscores. This includes Favre, Vick, Bertuzzi, Terrell Owens, Chad OchoCinco, Sean Avery, Stephon Marbury, David Beckham … I’m going to stop now because I feel dirty typing all those names in one go.

I am sure the Vikings will say all the right things to the media, and the team will welcome Brett The Saviour with open arms. But in the third quarter of Week One, how do you think they’ll feel when The Saviour throws up a deep ball that gets picked off and returned for a touchdown while Sage Rosenfels, the guy they practiced and played with all summer, wears a baseball hat on the bench.

It’s fine if Favre wants to come back, and if the Vikings want him. The same thing is fine for Vick and the Eagles and Bertuzzi and the Red Wings. It’s a business, after all. But how about if, now that they’re signed, we completely ignore them until the do something on a field of play somewhere that impacts the, you know, games.

Sometimes, I hate being a sports fan.