dirtygames.ca

I’m not going to be snarky, angry, disgusted, repulsed, horrified, sarcastic, wryly amused or even righteously indignant about the American election today.

It’s more effective (and so much fun!) to simply dig through massive amounts of news stories, blogs and political analysis in order to find a bunch of quotes that have gone public in the last few days and let readers wonder why the GOP ticket of John McCain/Sarah Palin has even a snowball’s chance in hell of winning in November. As any half-decent journalist knows, a good quote can speak for itself.

These quotes are all real, all sourced and not intentionally taken out of context:

• “This election is not about issues. This election is about a composite view of what people take away from these candidates.” — Rick Davis, campaign manager for John McCain
• “I think God’s will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that gas line built, so pray for that … Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right. Also, for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending [U.S. soldiers] out on a task that is from God. That’s what we have to make sure that we’re praying for, that there is a plan and that that plan is God’s plan.” — Sarah Palin, on the Iraq war
• “We need to think like Jesus thinks. We are in a time and a season of war, and we need to think like that. We need to develop that instinct. We need to develop as believers the instinct that we are at war, and that war is contending for your faith. … Jesus called us to die. You’re worried about getting hurt? He’s called us to die. Listen, you know we can’t even follow him unless you are willing to give up your life. … I believe that Jesus himself operated from that position of war mode. Everyone say “war mode.” Now you say, wait a minute Ed, he’s like the good shepherd, he’s loving all the time and he’s kind all the time. Oh yes he is — but I also believe that he had a part of his thoughts that knew that he was in a war.” — Sarah Palin’s pastor, Ed Kalnins, senior pastor of Wasilla Assembly of God since 1999.
• “She asked the library how she could go about banning books,” he says, because some voters thought they had inappropriate language in them. “The librarian was aghast.” — John Stein, former mayor of Wasilla.
• “Not on your life. If it was good enough for the founding fathers, its good enough for me and I’ll fight in defense of our Pledge of Allegiance.” — Sarah Palin, when asked if she was offended by the phrase “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance. (The words “under God” were added in 1954; the pledge was written in 1892. The founding fathers were all … ummm … dead by then.)
• “I realized months ago that Obama can get away with just about anything because all that too many Americans seem to care about are charisma and the term “change.” It doesn’t matter if Obama plagiarizes speeches, who his pastor and spiritual mentor was for 20 years, that he has the most liberal voting record in the Senate, that he refused to wear the American flag as a pin, that he didn’t place his hand over his heart during the national anthem, that his wife just recently has become proud of her country, or that he is sympathetic to Muslim terrorist groups, etc.” — Chuck Norris, discussing Barack Obama.
• “I don’t want kids.” — Levi Johnston, the poor boy who is being forced into fatherhood by his mom-in-law to be, on his since-deleted MySpace page.
• “I’m a fuckin’ redneck who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes. But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some shit and just fuckin’ chillin’, I guess. Ya fuck with me I’ll kick ass.” — More from Levi. Hey, at least he likes hockey!
• “(We) vetted her through Google and clipping services. They didn’t send lawyers there or talk to people who knew her.” — A GOP official with ties to the McCain campaign, speaking of the thorough research behind his choice of VP candidate.

But the final and — in a stunning sign of the current state of political discourse in the United States — most coherent political argument of the day goes to … Lindsay Fucking Lohan:

• “The real problem comes from the fact that we are taking the focus off of getting to know Sarah Palin and her political views, and what she can do to make our country a less destructive place. It’s distracting from the real issues, the real everyday problems that this country experiences.
  I am concerned with the fact that Sarah Palin brought attention to her daughter’s pregnancy, rather than all world issues and what she believes she could possibly do to change them — if elected. I get Sarah Palin’s views against abortion, but I would much prefer to hear more about what she can do for our country rather than how her daughter is going to have a child no matter what.
  Maybe focus on delivering some words and policy with stronger impact like Joe Biden.” — Lindsay Lohan, writing about the Palin controversy on her (God help us all) political blog.

When a woman best known for her underwhelming acting ability, terrible pop music, public intoxication, rampant promiscuity and the red hair that frames the lips of her vagina is asking you to please discuss the issues … maybe that’s a sign.